Legolas and Erestor watched Mike intently from a mirror they used as a portal to the Human realm when they wanted to steal cakes from his cupboards. He was sitting in his favourite chair watching television. On his lap sat an iPad, which he occasionally tapped with his fingers.
"He is watching Bake Off again," Legolas said with a sigh. "He pays no attention to the elves anymore."
"I know. It's like he is in love with Mary Berry or something." Erestor smirked as Mary tore apart a contestant's freshly baked fairy cake and squeezed the sponge with her fingers. "Look at what she is doing. Why doesn't she just eat it? If she did that in front of Elrond, she could forget ever being invited back."
"No manners," Legolas sighed. "Someone should tell her to stop playing with her food, especially other people's."
" You know that oak tree outside my window?"
"It's got less knobbles on it than her fingers." Erestor chuckled and was heartened that Legolas laughed as well.
"If I cooked a fairy cake, and she ripped it apart like that, my father would have her thrown into the dungeons."
"Oh look, he is smiling at his tablet. He probably got a message." Erestor craned his neck to see if he could make out what the display said. He was limited by the glass mirror but he could just about see the message. "It's something about them finding something he wrote about yams really funny. Now he has sent back a message saying the word yams makes him laugh!"
Legolas shook his head in disbelief. "What?"
"No doubt he and the person he is talking to think they are the absolute masters of scintillating conversation." Erestor smiled at his witticism.
Legolas looked impatient. "When is he going to unlock the portal so we can get some cakes?"
Elrond joined them. "Why haven't you two gone through and sweet talked Mike into giving you some ice cream yet?"
"We were going to get cakes," Erestor replied. "We can get some ice cream as well if you want."
Elrond peered closer. "What is that gnarly fingered old woman doing to that cake?"
"I know, she is disgusting." Legolas sniffed. "You wouldn't see me doing that to a cake."
"Nor me," Erestor said quickly.
"I should bloody hope not," Elrond scowled. "Who is that with her? That man with the crinkly face, white hair and blue eyes?"
"He is called Paul Hollywood." Legolas offered. "It probably isn't his real name. He is probably called Burke or Spagglebum when he was born."
"Spagglebum?" Erestor grinned. Legolas nodded happily.
"Whoa!" Elrond stood back in surprise. "His voice doesn't match his appearance at all! He sounds like he's got a cake stuffed up his arse and is trying to stop it falling out."
"Well, he is a cake feeler," Erestor said disapprovingly. "Dirty bastard."
"Less of the language, Erestor."
"Sorry, My Lord. I let my tongue speak my scandalised mind without thought as to whom it would offend."
"Now Mike is talking about puns." Legolas shook his head before turning back to look at the television.
"Puns? What in Middle-earth for?" Elrond didn't appreciate the jollity one could have when inventing puns at all, and he was usually the first to say so.
"I really do not understand how people can find inventing puns so jolly amusing."
"No, My Lord." Erestor continued to look at the television. "Look at that custard cake. Mike doesn't keep anything that nice in his cupboards. It's like he knows we are going to take his stuff. Oh no! Mary Berry has got her fingers in it!"
"Good grief!" Elrond shook his head.
"How are the words eggcellent and eggxactly funny?" Legolas asked, looking slightly mystified. "I know they are making puns but they are not that funny. Look at him, he is positively creased up with laughter."
Elrond sighed. "Nothing's that funny."
Sauron joined them. "Sorry I am late. I had to beat up a few unwitting orcs. Have to maintain my Dark Lord image, you know." He peered through the glass. "What in Middle-earth does Mike think he is doing? He should be writing stories about us, not talking on Messenger!"
"He should be giving us ice cream!" Elrond glared. "It's all right for you, owning the only freezer in Middle-earth."
"It's not that all right," Sauron shrugged. "There is no electricity supply in Mordor, and so it's useless."
Legolas began chuckling. "Do you remember Mike's face when he got home from spending the weekend with his friend and saw that his freezer was missing?"
Sauron chuckled. "I was lugging it to Mordor when he found out. I would have loved to have seen it."
Elrond smiled widely. "He looked around, saw that nothing else was taken, and then ran outside and kicked his own door in. Then he rang the police and said his freezer had been stolen, but nothing else had been touched, and the thieves had broken in through the front door."
"He got a good amount off the insurers," Erestor told them. "I was going through his papers, looking for stuff I could blackmail him with, and saw that they had paid for the freezer and the food inside. Apparently the whole freezer was chock full of fillet steaks and black truffles."
"That's a damned lie!" Sauron said, his face shocked. "He had twenty loaves of bread, a few ice cubes and ten tubs of ice cream in it."
"Which you didn't share," Elrond said pointedly.
"No, of course not. I am a Dark Lord. Duh!"
"What are we going to do? I need cake or else I will die!" Legolas whined.
"Exaggerating again? I have told you a million times..."
"Old Joke," Sauron said cutting Elrond off in mid sentence. "Haven't you got any new ones?"
"All right, Mr. Smartass, what do you suggest we do?" Elrond briefly considered poking Sauron in the eye for his cheek, but the Dark Lord had his uses, so he decided against it.
"This." Sauron smiled. He said a few words and made an almost imperceptible gesture with his right hand. Then he breathed on the mirror and drew an arrow in the mist that pointed to the phone.
"Hello," Mike said politely, hoping he hadn't missed the chance to be rude to a cold calling salesperson. "Dinner sounds great!... Leave now?... Yes, see you in fifteen minutes at Longhorn's...at the bar or outside?...Okay, leaving now." He picked up his tablet, tapped it quickly and waited for an answer. He did this several more times before putting it down on the table and turning off the television. Then he went into the kitchen and took his keys from the fruit bowl, which contained one black spotted banana, before running out the door.
The place was quiet.
Sauron smiled as the elves looked expectantly at him. "Follow me."
This story is written for Ignoblebard (Mike). It seems more than right to make him a Mary Sue lol
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