The hairy business
Aiwendil was feeling tired, he had spent some weeks in Greenwood helping the elves there with some problems regarding their crops and now he felt that he needed a break. Not that the elves in any way were demanding, no, not at all. They treated him with the outmost respect and he could just snap his finger and at least a dozen eager elves would be there, ready to do his bidding, No, he had pushed himself way too hard and his energy was low.
The crops had been infected with some sort of fungus and finally he had managed to understand what caused it and how they were to get rid of the nasty stuff. He had ordered a massive effort to gather and boil the leaves of a special fern and to sprinkle the concoction over the young plants and it worked but by Eru how much work it created. He was sitting in the garden reserved for honored guests and he felt like taking a nap. Suddenly there was the sound of running feet and he turned his head and saw that the king’s son was approaching him. The elfling was the size of a human five year old and extremely cute and sweet with the most adorable blue eyes. He got royally spoiled but unfortunately his father was busy most of the day and didn’t get to spend as much time with his son as he would have wished for.
Legolas wanted to be a warrior like his dad, and he was constantly bothering the guards with all sorts of questions but nobody could get mad at that innocent face. One of the things that had bothered the little elf recently was that his ada was too busy to braid his hair, Legolas wanted warriors braids, but he wasn’t allowed to have those yet and that made him sulk a lot. Now he stopped in front of Aiwendil and put up his most innocent smile up to date. “Please, could you braid my hair?”
Aiwendil sighed, he was so tired! He took the comb the little one held out and went to work, managed to get the long flaxen hair into a couple of decent braids. “There you go little one”
He knew that most of the staff had been driven to madness by the elfling’s constant pleas for braids. The servants had to braid him, the kitchen workers, the ones taking care of the horses, even the elves who were overseeing the huge library had spent time trying to tame the little prince’s golden locks. Aiwendil got a moment of inspiration, an idea which could make everything so much easier for everybody.
He looked at the comb and then he whispered a few words and it glowed softly for a few seconds. He handed it over to the wide eyed little elf and smiled gently. “Here you go, now, this comb has become magical and if you use it then it will braid your hair for you. Don’t lose it!”
Legolas let out a peal of joy and grasped the comb, ran off with cheerful laughter and Aiwendil closed his eyes and smiled to himself. He had done a good deed and now it was time to rest a little. He deserved it!
Legolas tried the comb immediately, on one of the long haired cats which roamed the palace, the cat hissed and suddenly its long fur was pulled up along its back where it formed a perfect fishbone braid. Even the tail was neatly braided. This was wonderful! Aiwendil had no idea of what he just had unleashed upon the unsuspecting elves. Legolas skipped along the halls, used the comb on some of his father’s huge wolf hounds which suddenly were almost blind cause the hair of their faces got braided tightly over their eyes. And the hair in their ears got braided too, making the ears stand out straight. Legolas laughed and ran off again, the stables were his next stop and when he was done all the horses had neatly braided manes and their tails were all braided together. A few horses had feathers too and that hair had also been braided so that the poor animals were unable to take a single step. Legolas braided the tack in the tack room, he went by the work room where the ellith would sit and do their weaving and embroidery and soon all the threads and weaves were braided into something that may be described as non-figurative modern art.
Legolas hadn’t had that much fun ever, the comb was such a nice thing to have and he continued to braid stuff. Drapes, curtains, table cloths, the carpets on the floor, his father’s spare robes. Bow strings, the long spindly herbs growing in the kitchen’s own garden. The comb did braid everything it touched and Legolas went all over the palace, braiding stuff. But he was just a kid and before long he got tired and laid down to rest He did lay down next to one of the huge pools they used for baths and to store water and he fell asleep rather fast. But in his sleep his grip on the comb loosened and it slipped from his hand and into the waters below. The pool was deep, very deep, and the comb disappeared out of sight.
Legolas woke up a few hours later and he was terribly sorry he couldn’t find the comb but he soon forgot about it, he found something else to play with and the many elves running to and fro trying to unbraid stuff didn’t bother him at all. He went to see his dad but Thranduil was very busy, they were hosting a meeting and everything had to be in order since it was very important. Some dwarves had come from Erebor to discuss some trading options and even though Thranduil despised dwarves he wanted them to be treated with the outmost respect and hospitality. They had gotten nice rooms, all the food they could possibly toss and they had also been given a more than generous amount of wine and liquor. So the dwarves were in a good mood when they left the meeting and went to refresh themselves.
Legolas was terribly curious about these creatures, he knew his dad disliked them but he didn’t understand why? He found them fascinating and their hairy faces were so different from what he normally saw that he was staring at them all the time, in slack jawed amazement. The dwarves didn’t like elves that much either but this little elfling was too adorable not to be liked and they all had been sneaking some treats out of the kitchen and into his pockets. So now he viewed the dwarves almost like a bunch of stern but kind uncles and he tried to spend as much time with them as he could. They dressed oddly, their language was also very odd and how could they even eat with that much hair in their faces?
The dwarves went to the baths, and they chose the large pool, it was rather cold but that didn’t bother them and there were steps carved into the rock along the edge of the water so you could sit there with water just to your knees or go deeper if you wanted to. The dwarves were singing and talking as they bathed and cooled down and when Legolas came sneaking by on his way to see his dad they playfully splashed a little water on the curious elfling. Legolas just giggled and ran off again, the dwarves were sitting in the water with just their heads above it and he didn’t want to get wet. So Legolas ran off to his dad once again to ask him why dwarves had such hairy backs and why there were drawings on their skin, didn’t they have paper to draw on?
Thranduil was in the middle of a conversation with some of his advisors, he wasn’t sure about some of the things the dwarves wanted and didn’t quite know whether or not he should accept their suggestions. He was standing in the middle of a group of very dignified sindar elves and tried to make up his mind about the matter. He was speaking to his main advisor when he felt a tug at his robe and looked down. He dropped his goblet, his mouth wide open and his eyes ready to pop out. What he saw made even the advisors stare and gasp. It was Legolas, he was grinning and looked very happy but his hair!! Eru’s mercy, it was terrible!
His son’s fair head was covered with stiff tiny braids, all sticking out in odd angles everywhere and it made the elfling’s head resemble a porcupine! Thranduil had never seen anything like it, ever! Who had done that to his precious leaf?! Legolas obviously didn’t realize that something was off, he was just glad his ada suddenly showed him attention and he grinned from one ear to the other. Thranduil could barely squeal. “ Ion nin, what…”
Then suddenly all hell broke loose, in the form of a bunch of rather angry and also very naked dwarves! The entire group came rushing into the room and none wore even one piece of clothing, not even a towel! The reason why was obvious, they too were braided. Thranduil suddenly wished that the dragon had managed to blind him completely, for what he saw was beyond description and he grasped his son out of sheer panic and on a reflex and turned him around to shield him from the sight. Legolas struggled and yelled, frightened by his father’s response and Thranduil just stared, eyes like tea cups!
Dwarves are indeed hairy and now almost every hair in their bodies were braided, the beards were turned into something that would have made a basket weaver green with envy for it was so dense and uniform it probably was waterproof. The hair on their heads was likewise, one dwarf had a bald spot on top of his head and the braids were pulled up and braided together again so they formed a spike turning towards the skies. One had suddenly gotten horns like a balrog and yet another had braids that were shaped into tiny pyramids, all over his head. But that wasn’t the worst, their chesthair had been braided, nice neat fishtail braids and some French braids too. The hair on their backs, and arms had also been elegantly braided into very geometrical shapes. The downside was of course that tight braids are rather stiff and so they couldn’t really move but walked like stick men, unable to bend their joints.
The hair on their legs had suffered the same fate and on a few it looked as if they had put on some thick knitted tights. Thranduil stared at the ceiling, since they were in the nude he could clearly see that also the hair of their midsection had been neatly braided and formed into very elaborate pieces of modern art. One dwarf had his cock and balls locked into a cage of braids while another one had braids twined along his cock all the way to the head of it. A dark haired and very stocky dwarf turned his backside to the king who got an eyeful of dwarfish ass, a sight he would have preferred to have avoided. “I cannot even take a shite, my ass cheeks have been braided together!”
Another dwarf nodded. “Aye, a chastity belt he has gotten for sure, as have all of us. What is happening?”
Thranduil blinked, he was paler than usual and his throat moved as if he was trying to say something but was left unable to do it. The advisors looked as if they were about to faint and Legolas struggled still. “Ada, let go of me, let me see, let me see!”
The leader of the dwarves stepped forth, he had an odd pattern braided around his entire torso, like a snake wrapped around its prey, and he was fuming. “We were all taking a bath and then suddenly we all got braids, everywhere! Is this some joke?!”
Thranduil managed to say something but it was barely audible. “No, I have no idea…I don’t know what has happened….”
He was afraid that this would unleash violent responses from the dwarves and his reputation would be ruined too, forever! The dwarves looked very angry still and some were in obvious pain too, grunting and moaning as every move, even the ones made from breathing, ached. Legolas broke free, and he turned around to see what the matter was. He let out a squeal and Thranduil tried to grasp him again to shield his innocent eyes from the horror. The elfling started to laugh, loud peals of laughter and he didn’t stop at all. He just kept laughing and the elves started to worry that the elfling had gone into shock or something. The dwarves looked at each other, and some faces started to twitch, then some couldn’t help themselves and started to chuckle and after a short while they too were laughing, really hard and very loudly. Dwarves do have a sort of rowdy humor and they were pointing at each other and admiring the different methods and patterns.
Legolas grinned. “ I lost my comb in the pool, Aiwendil made it braid everything, can you get someone to get it for me?”
Thranduil stared at his son, it clicked! Aiwendil, of course it was the work of a wizard. That bird brain ought to know that you never should give an elfling or any other child for that matter, magical objects! Oh he was going to have a long chat with the brown wizard, a long chat! The dwarves stopped laughing, wiped tears of their face and Thranduil managed to speak again, even though his face was a bit red and he was trembling. After all, the sight was comical and he did have a sense of humor even though most people could have sworn that he didn’t even know what that word meant. “ I do apologize, most sincerely! It appears that a certain wizard has done something he shouldn’t have! I will see if I can make him undo this magic, right away!”
Legolas still giggled and the dwarves stared at his braided head and had to laugh too. “ Oh, no real harm done, and wouldn’t you say lads, that we have gotten some new fashion ideas too? I bet yer wife would love those braids down there Golin?”
Said dwarf just guffawed, he had three thick brown braids hanging down alongside his cock and it made his crotch look a bit like an udder of some sorts. “ But mind you, she may grasp the wrong thing in the dark.”
They all laughed again and Thranduil sent one of the advisors to get Aiwendil and explain the situation. The wizard came running after a short while, robes flying behind him and a distinct scent of fox pee filled the room. Aiwendil stopped and stared with huge eyes for a few seconds, then he too succumbed to a wild fit of laughter and in the end he was laying on the ground writhing. Thranduil sent him a deathly glare. “ When you are finished soiling my floors then could you perhaps out of the goodness of your heart undo that magic? Or else I will kick you into that pool myself, robes and all!”
Aiwendil did shut up, then he blinked twice and got up, shaking his head. “ Oh, but I can only remove the magic from the comb, so it won’t happen again. The braids will have to come out the ordinary way”
Thranduil rolled his eyes and sighed, he would have to spend hours unbraiding Legolas. And the dwarves? Oh Eru and all his valar, that would be a monumental task. He took a deep breath. “ Then do it, get that magic out of the pool, and if I catch you giving away magical stuff one more time I will make sure you spend the next millennia in my dungeons!”
Aiwendil squeaked something which could be an apology, then he shouted something in valarin and shrugged. “It is done!”
The dwarves looked a bit nervous. “ How about our braids aye?”
Thranduil was thinking fast. “We do sometimes have human visitors, I bet there has to be a razor here somewhere”
The dwarves groaned but by now they had understood the situation and they couldn’t really bear a grudge against the sweet little elfling. It had been an accident after all, and really nobody’s fault. Thranduil sent some servants for razors and they came back with a few and the dwarves retired to the baths to try and remove the braids. In the end most had to shave their bodies for the hairs were hopelessly entangled and they even had to shave their asses and came out of the baths smooth as newborn babies. Only their beards and hair was saved from the razors, and of course their eyebrows except in one case where the eyebrows had been joined to the hair on the poor dwarf’s chest in a very long thin braid.
Thranduil did spend the rest of the day fixing his son’s hair and getting some rather awkward questions he preferred not to answer, and when Legolas fell asleep sitting on his lap he sighed and knew he had learned yet another thing about parenting he hadn’t known before. Never mix elflings and wizards like Aiwendil, it is a recipe for disaster. Things returned to normal, and Aiwendil left but three days later the cook came running looking as if he had spotted Morgoth himself in the larder. The sausages hanging in the back of the room had been braided during the night and it soon became apparent that somebody had taken water from the pool at night before the wizard removed the magic and it had gotten spread throughout the pipes and water storages since they used that pool as an extra water source when it hadn’t rained in a while, and nobody had used it for bathing.
So for the next few days things that got washed ended up being braided, elves taking a drink of water risked waking up with their hair being braided into the bedding and when the king himself woke up one morning with his long silvery blond hair braided into the headboard of his bed he ordered that the entire system of pipes, cisterns and drains were to be completely flushed and washed. He didn’t want any of this to happen again, the only good thing was that he got to spend the entire day in bed with his son while the servants tried to untangle his hair from the bed. So at least one good thing came out of the whole beardy business.