A herbal disaster……
Ms Sunshine Holler was dead tired as she sauntered off into her tiny bathroom to have a long needed shower. She felt like shit and the prospect of soaking in hot water for a while was tempting. She got her uniform off and tossed it into a corner, it was covered with sticky and smelly jam since some kid had run amok when its mother wasn’t watching and had poured three whole jars of strawberry jam with less sugar onto the floor between the third and fourth shelf. She had taken quite a fall and now she was ready to relax and forget about her job for a while.
Sunshine had gotten her delightful name because of her mother who was a hippie, and later on she became the personification of the rule that names rarely fit the person. Her nickname at work was “The eclipse” and the only time anyone saw her smile was when one of her co-workers got sacked. Sunshine had one good trait though, her hair. She had actually been a hair model for a while and what she got from that job was a severe case of whiplash due to all the head tossing and a life long supply of shampoo. She had tried to sue the company but to no prevail, Sunshine wasn’t very pleasant, nor was she pretty and most of all, she was not the sharpest tool in the shed. The guys working on the commercials had been using photoshop and other computer programs to make her look like something resembling an ordinary human and thank goodness that all they really needed to show was her stunning hair.
Sunshine walked into the shower and turned on the hot water, it felt marvelous and before long she was singing, and since she lived rather close to the coast there were constant reports of whales swimming up onto the beaches rather regularly. Nobody understood why but the animals refused to be towed back out again and most perished. Sunshine lived on the third floor of the building, and she didn’t care who her neighbors were, That was a bit bad, for the apartment underneath her was at the moment occupied by the sweet young ms Belladonna Brown, a girl with a deep fascination for the dark arts. She wanted to become a witch and she was rather sure that she did have great powers. Now she was busy preparing a spell to bring her a hot and sexy demon and she had used paint to make a pentagram onto the living room floor and she had sacrificed a dead squirrel she had found by the road. Well, the spell book demanded that you sacrificed something alive, like a baby or a virgin or something but she was scared of blood and didn’t really want to hurt anyone.
As Sunshine sang as loud as she could, and my did she have the lungs of a thoroughbred, Belladonna in the apartment below reached the very climax of her spell. She shouted out one last word just as Sunshine reached out for her bottle of shampoo, mumbling something about her being worth it. There was a loud pop and Belladonna got a sheet of plaster in her head, and Sunshine fumbled for the shampoo bottle but it was gone. Darn, shampoo bottles does not just disappear now do they? But apparently hers had and she cursed so bad the water turned to steam as she went to the closet to pick up another one. Belladonna took it as a sign, from now on she was going to do tantric yoga instead.
The shampoo bottle was tossed through time and space, it spun and twirled and if it had been a conscious living being it would have gotten terribly confused by now, and nauseous. Finally it was pulled against a hole in the interdimensional wall and tumbled through it.
The council had lasted for far too long already, the elves humans and other creatures assembled were all frustrated and they hadn’t come to any conclusion at all. Everybody had agreed upon disagreeing or so it seemed and the dwarves present had sought refuge under the tables. The elves were arguing between themselves, the humans likewise and the few maiar present were about to tear their own hair out in sheer desperation. The darn fortress was just too strong, they hadn’t managed to bring its walls down and the enemy was just too clever. Dragons and balrogs were everywhere and they needed something new, some weapon mighty enough to destroy that fallen vala and his loyal maia servant. If Fëanor had been alive he could probably have come up with something but he was dead and good riddance, there were enough haughty noldor suffering from a superiority complex as it was.
Eonwë was starting to wonder if he should leave and just go to the battle field and see if he could manage to get slain so he could escape from all this idle and empty chatter about who was high king and so on and so forth. The royal line had been royally ruined and now nobody really knew who ought to have the title. It was a mess. He was about to shout something less than polite when there was a loud bang and a small and stinky cloud of smoke appeared right in the middle of the table where they had placed a lot of tiny figurines that were to represent the troops and the forces of the enemy. Somebody had used a figurine shaped as a small wooden dick to represent Melkor, and Sauron was a sough. The smoke made everybody cough and the assembled crowds did jump back quite a few feet, could this be some trick of the enemy?
When the smoke cleared they stared at the table, there were no orcs or demons there, just a strange looking bottle in glary colors. Nobody dared to move and Eonwë swore to himself and stepped forth. If this was some trap then he was quite convinced that he was the one with the best chances of surviving it. The bottle wasn’t large, a little longer than the hand of a grown male, and it was covered in some sort of writing nobody understood, and it had some images of flowers on it. Eonwë frowned, what was this? The bottle looked harmless enough, but what was it made from? It did look a bit like glass, for it was transparent and one of the other maiar reached out, very carefully and touched the bottle. Nothing happened.
They all held their breath but the bottle didn’t explode or turn into something hideous and Eonwë made his way through the crowd. “Let me see that!”
He grasped the bottle, it had a strange sort of cork and he had to twist and turn it a few times before he realized that you could flip the top over. He did and a marvelous scent of flowers spread through the room, everybody was stunned by it. It smelled like heaven and Eonwë immediately decided that something this wonderful couldn’t be the work of the enemy, this had to be a gift from Eru himself.
Then one elf, a tall noldo uttered the natural question. “ What is it?”
Eonwë saw that it contained some sort of viscous liquid and he did pour some drops out onto his hand. He rubbed his fingers together and it was slick and it did create a froth. “ I think this is some sort of soap”
He turned the bottle around. On the back there was a tiny drawing of someone pouring some of the liquid into their hand, then adding it to their hair, with a huge grin on their face. “ I think this is for washing one’s hair”
One of the men cocked his head. “ Are you sure that this isn’t some sort of trick, that it isn’t Angband’s version of Nair and that it won’t leave us all hairless. The enemy will laugh his butt off”
There were nervous glances exchanged everywhere, elves without hair? That idea was horrible, and the dwarves were shaking in their boots. Eonwë was tired, he was annoyed and he wanted this meeting to be over, so he could relax with some good wine and pleasant company. “ One way to find out folks”
He grabbed hold of an elf and put the bottle into his hands, the elf stared at him with huge eyes. “ You, go to the baths and test it out, now”
The elf blinked a few times in panic, then he squealed and nodded and left, apparently very scared. Eonwë had no idea of who he just had sent off, he just hoped it wasn’t somebody who would be missed if this was something sinister after all. The others there did take a deep breath in relief, glad it wasn’t them. Eonwë wondered where the bottle had come from, the letters had been completely alien and the material in the bottle had been odd too.
The baths were not far from the small hall they used for these meetings, it was very practical when somebody needed to be cooled down, in a hurry. The debates could get a bit heated from time to time. Everybody was quite quiet, nobody knew what to say but then they all heard some distant sounds, it sounded as if someone was shouting? Eonwë swore to himself and by Eru did he know how to swear, you do not exist for tens of thousands of years without picking up a vocabulary that can make a dragon loose his lunch. Had he sent that poor elf to Namo? He ran to the bath and others followed, now they heard more clearly and the sounds were not exactly those of agony. It sounded more as if the elf was enjoying himself, a lot! “Oh yes, yes yes.! “
Then there were some sensual moans and even more shouting. “ Aahhh yess, oooh yesss!”
Eonwë looked puzzled and opened the door to the bath. The elf lay in the middle of the bath, covered with foam and he was writhing while he massaged his scalp vigorously, eyes rolling and body shaking violently from what could only be intense sexual pleasure. The floor and the walls bore clear evidence of this, there were streaks of come everywhere and Eonwë felt himself blush violently as yet another jet of white liquid shot past his ear and almost hit one of the other maiar, (was it Curumo by the way?) Square in the face! The elf was screaming and the herald of one of the lords grasped a bucked of cold water and tossed it over the elf. That removed the foam and the effect and the elf looked both appalled by the fact that everybody had seen him in such a state and a bit disappointed that it was over. He had obviously had a lot of fun.
Eonwë was shocked, this soap made people aroused and made them come? Some of the lords stared at the bottle on the floor and they bit their lower lip. “ Shouldn’t more people test this out, just to make sure it isn’t harmful? Poor Erestor could be an exception in some way?”
Eonwë stared at the bottle again and he was starting to laugh, everybody stared at him as if they believed that he suddenly had gone utterly insane. “ My friends, Eru has sent us a gift, a mighty weapon against our enemy. No more testing, this is our chance”
He grasped the bottle and there were quite a lot of disappointed groans to be heard. The maia of Manwë left the bath in a hurry and that was the last anyone saw of the bottle. Eonwë returned later that evening looking very smug with an infernal grin plastered all over his face . Nobody did understand why, but there were numerous speculations, perhaps he intended to keep the botte to himself?
The next morning the gatekeeper of Angband opened the gate to let some air in and found a nice basket standing there right in front of the gate. It contained some fruit, some jewelry and a strange bottle of some sorts and then it also contained a card. The orc couldn’t read that well, but he did see that it was addressed to Sauron. So he took the basket and carried it off to his master who was more than a little puzzled. Who would send him gift baskets in the middle of a siege? He picked up the card, it was nice and black with blood red letters and it had a little poem on it. “ Roses are rotten, violence is good, you are the best dark lord, this is for you, because you are worth it….”
Sauron tilted his head, nice jewelry, some fresh fruit was great too, the food in Angband had started to smell a long time ago and that bottle, what was that? He opened it and smelled, oh it smelled divine. It had to be soap, how thoughtful of this secret admirer, he loved washing his long and lovely hair and his master would love the smell too. Sauron clapped his hands in joy and made Gothmog be in charge that day. He went to the bath, eager to try this out. Melkor always loved caressing his fiery locks and before long Sauron was busy working the shampoo into a lather.
Melkor didn’t notice that his lieutenant was missing until the sun set, then he did see that the orcs upon the barricades were less organized than normal and he frowned and sought out Gothmog. “Where is Sauron?”
The balrog looked nervous. “ In the baths my lord, he has been there the whole day long”
Melkor frowned, the baths? What in the name of everything unholy was he doing there now? They were in the middle of a freaking war! He went to the baths and suddenly he felt a heavenly scent, and he heard the moaning of his trusted servant. He entered a huge room and one pool was filled with foam and Sauron was in the middle of it, covered with foam and his own come and he looked half dead but was still washing his hair. Melkor didn’t understand, he jumped into the pool to save his servant from whatever spell it was that was affecting him and he got the foam into his own long black locks. Before long he too was busy washing his hair, hollering with pleasure and the two were entangled like two vines and rutting like animals in autumn. The bottle didn’t get empty at all, it stayed full and the two were massaging each other and had forgot everything about the world outside, all they cared about was washing their hair!
The next day there was complete chaos, the orcs didn’t get any orders, the captains and balrogs tried to order the troops around but as the day went by the defense of Angband fell into utter ruin. The foam from the soap travelled through the drainage system and spread throughout the fortress and before long all the orcs and monsters, including the bald ones, were vigorously washing themselves. And Angband did smell like a brothel and the sounds of orcs and werewolves howling in release could be heard from every corner.
The forces of the valar attacked by dawn the next day, everybody had cotton in their noses and the attack was swift and efficient and gave them complete victory without any losses. The orcs were too tired to fight and the elves and humans could slay them where they lay, covered with sticky fluids and completely exhausted and too deep within their blissful state to care if they got killed or not.
The dark lord and his servant got caught easily, they laid in each other’s arms in a pool of shampoo and seed and both were unable to move, too sore and too stiff to even utter a word of protest. They were immediately thrown into the void and the bottle was tossed after them since it was too terrible a thing to keep around. And thus ended the war of wrath and the threat of Melkor and Sauron was eradicated forever. A few months later everybody started to notice something new though. When they stared up at the evening skies to admire the stars they could see a faint band stretching across the heavens and it was growing until it crossed the entire skies from east to west. Nobody knew what it was so they called it the Milky way since it looked a bit like milk spilled across the skies. Eonwë snickered when he heard that, for he knew what it was. At least they were enjoying themselves up there in the void, perhaps even a bit too much. But they were worth it, and they deserved it.