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Elegy for N˙menor - Volume 1: Journey to Umbar by elfscribe Mature
The Númenórean King Ar-Pharazôn thinks he has won an easy victory when Sauron surrenders to him and...
Faded Light: Book II by Elvenfixation Explicit
This is Book II of my LOTR series Faded Light. The story mostly takes place about a hundred years of so before the War...
Where the Shadows Lie by ziggy General Audiences
A body has been found, its blood drained. Legolas and Gimli in pursuit. Not only the Three survive Sauron's fall, and not...
A liaison in the Great Greenwood by Azukiel Explicit
Legolas has loved Adlanniel since before she came of age, and she has loved him dearly. However, when Legolas volunteers...
Jeli in Valinor by Glorfindel Explicit
King Oropher and Lord Cirdan have sailed to Valinor and are reunited with their daughter, Jeli, who died over a thousand...
Shadows Of The Past by Starfox General Audiences
After a disastrous incident in the mountains Elrond's past experience allows him to help Thranduil and Legolas cope with...
Fire Dancing Upon Our Souls by cheekybeak Teen
Sequel to "The Hands of the King" AND "Darkness in Your Heart" Misunderstanding and heartache cause antagonism between Legolas...

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Shoutbox

elfscribe
08/24/17 12:05 am
Hi Glorfindel! Great to see you here. You were in London for the weekend? Excellent! Wish I were there too. I did get to see the total eclipse on Monday. Wonderful! Beautiful. Music of the spheres.
Glorfindel
08/22/17 07:17 pm
I spent the weekend in London - lunching at Camden Lock street food market and then onto London zoo. Didn't want to come jome!
Glorfindel
08/22/17 07:17 pm
So right, Ziggy lololol
Spiced Wine
08/18/17 01:04 pm
Happy Friday, everyone. Hope you have a lovely weekend. :)
ziggy
08/17/17 09:40 pm
They would just argue, Glorfindel!!
Glorfindel
08/16/17 06:40 pm
Good to be back Naledi :) All my characters would argue that they are as hot as Legolas lol
Naledi
08/15/17 10:31 pm
It's lovely to see you back, Glorfindel. Legolas may be mad, but compared to the rest of his family he's perfectly reasonable. And hot :)
Glorfindel
08/15/17 10:04 pm
Naledi - I htink Legolas is mad; he hides it well though lol
Glorfindel
08/15/17 10:04 pm
Thanks Ziggy and Naledi - I am really happy you are enjoying it. I am hoping to write more frequently - gone are the days when I had lots of time.
Naledi
08/15/17 09:09 am
Yes, it's great to see them back. They're all barking mad. Except gorgeous Legolas, of course.
Shout Archive


A Nasty Surprise by IgnobleBard

[Reviews - 5]   Printer
Table of Contents

- Text Size +
Story notes:
May contain objectionable material if one thinks about it too deeply, but it's strictly for laughs.

Written for a slew of Back to Middle-earth prompts from 2012.
The Witch King lounged in bed with his legs crossed at the ankles and three big fluffy pillows at his back. His black terrycloth robe was still slightly damp from his shower and his feet were encased in fuzzy pink Gothmog slippers. He was reading Forbes on his iPad through a pair of wraith spectacles perched on his skeletal nose, dissatisfied to see he had missed making the list of the 100 Most Predatory CEOs for the fifth straight year. Suddenly the Imperial March from Star Wars alerted him to a new email and he toggled over to his AOL account.

There was a message saying he'd won the Indonesian lottery, one offering to make him bigger, which made him roll his eyes. As if. But the newest one caught his attention, it was from sauronsmokeskhamuls@outervoid.com. He grimaced, as always, at the screen name. Khaműl had to be the most annoying of the nine with his stupid puns and practical jokes. Like the time he replaced Sauron’s gloves over several weeks with bigger and bigger sizes, leading the Dark Lord to worry that his hands were shrinking and that when he reclaimed the One Ring he would have to have it resized.

The subject line on the email read "Fanfiction" and he frowned with the expression he always got when concentrating on stabbing someone. He had recently become aware of fanfiction when he had read an article about the popularity of Twilight and discovered it was not about the uses of shadow in interior design as he had supposed, but was instead some sort of teenage romance with vampires and werewolves. Completely unrealistic versions of vampires and werewolves at that. But this, this link was to a website that hosted an archive of fanfiction, specifically slash fanfiction, and even more specifically a section devoted to stories about the Witch King of Angmar and. . . just about everyone. Here he was torturing and then seducing a terrified Faramir, forcing himself on an initially unwilling Legolas, sharing a tender moment with a surprisingly romantic Sauron, cozening a sweetly innocent Pippin.

He scanned each one with growing horror and anger. How dare these feeble mortals write him as some sort of mad rapist or clingy, angsty marshmallow-headed shmoop! He was a witch KING dammit!

He jumped out of bed and began pacing, gesturing wildly and ranting. “They will pay for this! I will call for my Fell Lamborghini and hunt them down one by one until none are left. Each and every one of them will feel my terrible wrath and despair!”

Firefoot rolled over and turned on the bedside lamp. “Now honey, don’t get all worked up. You know what the witch doctor said about your bloodless pressure. Come back to bed and forget these silly stories. Nobody reads that stuff anyway.”

The Witch King complied with a frustrated sigh. “I suppose you’re right, dear,” he said, turning off his iPad and giving Firefoot a peck on the cheek before falling back into bed.

Firefoot snapped off the light and surreptitiously pushed a notebook under his pillow with the latest chapter of his crossover novel about a young woman torn between her love for a vampire and a royal wraith.
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