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The Light Wraps You by Narya General Audiences
A moment between Celebrimbor and Orodreth after the news of Finrod's death. Written as a birthday gift for Gabriel – it's...
Even the Birds Are Chained to the Sky by cheekybeak Teen
The story of Legolas, Elrohir and Maewen in Valinor. A Silvan child runs free and safe in Valinor but how free is he? A mother...
Night Terrors by Linda Hoyland General Audiences
Aragorn and Faramir learn all is not well with Sam
Melpomaen the Elfling by Glorfindel Explicit
Melpomaen is a reborn elfling. He has two fathers because Saruman cursed one of them to fall pregnant to the next elf they...
I'll be Yours if You'll be Mine by NelyafinweFeanorion Teen
Modern setting AU. Maedhros/Fingon. Maedhros owns a bookstore. Fingon is in grad school. Expect appearances from varied members...
I will Lift mine Eyes by Linda Hoyland General Audiences
A series of events after his return from Gondor leaves Aragorn's spirits at an all-time low.
I will Lift mine Eyes by Linda Hoyland General Audiences
A series of events after his return from Gondor leaves Aragorn's spirits at an all-time low.

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Shoutbox

Spiced Wine
04/20/18 09:51 am
Happy Friday, everyone :)
Gabriel
04/20/18 12:47 am
Thank you Nelya, thank you Spiced. :)
Spiced Wine
04/19/18 08:22 pm
I’m glad you’ve had a lovely day, Gabriel :)
NelyafinweFeanorion
04/19/18 05:47 pm
Happy birthday Gabriel!
Gabriel
04/19/18 01:04 pm
Thank you so much Narya. I've had a lovely quiet day spending time with family. :)
Spiced Wine
04/18/18 10:08 pm
What a gorgeous day today! Like a taste of summer! I love sitting working with the door open!
Narya
04/18/18 10:07 pm
Happy birthday for tomorrow, Gabriel! (I am travelling for work and likely to be stuck on trains, so might not have chance to say it on the day.)
Narya
04/15/18 03:05 pm
Got it, Nelya - thanks for playing! :) I messaged you about DW as it turned into too long a post for the shout box.
NelyafinweFeanorion
04/14/18 11:33 pm
what fun, Narya!I just sent you a prompt by PM. I'm not on dreamwidth. Someone please fill me in on Dreamwidth as I'm not familiar with it. Is it something I should look into?
Narya
04/14/18 10:31 pm
Hi Cheeky! I did get it, although it sneaked off into my junk mail for some reason. Great prompt, thank you!! :D
Shout Archive


A Nasty Surprise by IgnobleBard

[Reviews - 5]   Printer
Table of Contents

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Story notes:
May contain objectionable material if one thinks about it too deeply, but it's strictly for laughs.

Written for a slew of Back to Middle-earth prompts from 2012.
The Witch King lounged in bed with his legs crossed at the ankles and three big fluffy pillows at his back. His black terrycloth robe was still slightly damp from his shower and his feet were encased in fuzzy pink Gothmog slippers. He was reading Forbes on his iPad through a pair of wraith spectacles perched on his skeletal nose, dissatisfied to see he had missed making the list of the 100 Most Predatory CEOs for the fifth straight year. Suddenly the Imperial March from Star Wars alerted him to a new email and he toggled over to his AOL account.

There was a message saying he'd won the Indonesian lottery, one offering to make him bigger, which made him roll his eyes. As if. But the newest one caught his attention, it was from sauronsmokeskhamuls@outervoid.com. He grimaced, as always, at the screen name. Khamûl had to be the most annoying of the nine with his stupid puns and practical jokes. Like the time he replaced Sauron’s gloves over several weeks with bigger and bigger sizes, leading the Dark Lord to worry that his hands were shrinking and that when he reclaimed the One Ring he would have to have it resized.

The subject line on the email read "Fanfiction" and he frowned with the expression he always got when concentrating on stabbing someone. He had recently become aware of fanfiction when he had read an article about the popularity of Twilight and discovered it was not about the uses of shadow in interior design as he had supposed, but was instead some sort of teenage romance with vampires and werewolves. Completely unrealistic versions of vampires and werewolves at that. But this, this link was to a website that hosted an archive of fanfiction, specifically slash fanfiction, and even more specifically a section devoted to stories about the Witch King of Angmar and. . . just about everyone. Here he was torturing and then seducing a terrified Faramir, forcing himself on an initially unwilling Legolas, sharing a tender moment with a surprisingly romantic Sauron, cozening a sweetly innocent Pippin.

He scanned each one with growing horror and anger. How dare these feeble mortals write him as some sort of mad rapist or clingy, angsty marshmallow-headed shmoop! He was a witch KING dammit!

He jumped out of bed and began pacing, gesturing wildly and ranting. “They will pay for this! I will call for my Fell Lamborghini and hunt them down one by one until none are left. Each and every one of them will feel my terrible wrath and despair!”

Firefoot rolled over and turned on the bedside lamp. “Now honey, don’t get all worked up. You know what the witch doctor said about your bloodless pressure. Come back to bed and forget these silly stories. Nobody reads that stuff anyway.”

The Witch King complied with a frustrated sigh. “I suppose you’re right, dear,” he said, turning off his iPad and giving Firefoot a peck on the cheek before falling back into bed.

Firefoot snapped off the light and surreptitiously pushed a notebook under his pillow with the latest chapter of his crossover novel about a young woman torn between her love for a vampire and a royal wraith.
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