| Login | Lost Password | Help | Rules | | |

Most Recent

A Faerie Slashy Advent Calendar by Naledi Mature
A round-robin advent calendar. Elrohir is pursued by orcs to the eaves of Mirkwood. What happens next is anyone's guess.
Beast by Nuredhel Mature
Bard Bowman is working as a police investigator, when the serial killer he is chasing proves to have a very long history...
Child of Dying Embers by arafinwean Mature
"We are not the same, child of Melian, you were born of love and trust and I? I was born of hate and envy."She is not supposed...
Change by arafinwean Mature
Fingon takes Maedhros from Thangorodrim, but the journey isn't pleasant, nor is all forgiven.Maedhros is released from Thangorodrim...
Even the Birds Are Chained to the Sky by cheekybeak Teen
The story of Legolas, Elrohir and Maewen in Valinor. A Silvan child runs free and safe in Valinor but how free is he? A mother...
Ossė's Gift by elfscribe Mature
On a sea voyage from Umbar, Erestor becomes enmeshed in intrigue while fighting his secret feelings for his irritating and...
Senses Over Time by NelyafinweFeanorion Teen
A Gift fic for Cheekybeak based on the characters in her story Fire Dancing Upon Our Souls. Set in that same timeframe, as...

Site Info

Members: 475
Series: 80
Stories: 1597
Chapters: 8197
Word count: 24669902
Authors: 137
Reviews: 14879
Reviewers: 219
Newest Member: ainisarie
Beta-reader: 29
Recommendations: 52
Recommenders: 13
Challenges: 14
Challengers: 9
 

Who's Online

Guests: 16
Members:

Shoutbox

NelyafinweFeanorion
12/12/17 01:14 am
Ziggy do you have Thursday too? If not I can do Thursday instead of Friday if someone else wants to pick up Friday? Let me know!
cheekybeak
12/12/17 01:05 am
Oh, seriously, Ziggy?? What are you doing to me?! How do I follow that???
cheekybeak
12/12/17 12:58 am
Me!
ziggy
12/12/17 12:16 am
OK- sorry ! Who's next?
ziggy
12/11/17 10:41 pm
I am onto the next chapter but got home very late- apologies. Scribbling away as we speak (sort of)
Narya
12/11/17 10:34 pm
Ugh, stupid trains, it took me nearly three hours to get home tonight.
Gabriel
12/11/17 10:24 pm
I don't think anyone has Thursday, Nelya!
NelyafinweFeanorion
12/11/17 08:34 pm
Does someone have Thursday? Ziggy is that you again?
Gabriel
12/11/17 08:19 pm
I'm glad you're enjoying it SparkyTAS and Happy Holidays to you too.:)
SparkyTAS
12/11/17 03:33 pm
I'm greatly enjoying your advent calendar, thank you for this wonderful present. I hope you all have a beautiful holiday. Back to my frozen farm and very fuzzy horses now.
Shout Archive


A Nasty Surprise by IgnobleBard

[Reviews - 5]   Printer
Table of Contents

- Text Size +
Story notes:
May contain objectionable material if one thinks about it too deeply, but it's strictly for laughs.

Written for a slew of Back to Middle-earth prompts from 2012.
The Witch King lounged in bed with his legs crossed at the ankles and three big fluffy pillows at his back. His black terrycloth robe was still slightly damp from his shower and his feet were encased in fuzzy pink Gothmog slippers. He was reading Forbes on his iPad through a pair of wraith spectacles perched on his skeletal nose, dissatisfied to see he had missed making the list of the 100 Most Predatory CEOs for the fifth straight year. Suddenly the Imperial March from Star Wars alerted him to a new email and he toggled over to his AOL account.

There was a message saying he'd won the Indonesian lottery, one offering to make him bigger, which made him roll his eyes. As if. But the newest one caught his attention, it was from sauronsmokeskhamuls@outervoid.com. He grimaced, as always, at the screen name. Khamūl had to be the most annoying of the nine with his stupid puns and practical jokes. Like the time he replaced Sauron’s gloves over several weeks with bigger and bigger sizes, leading the Dark Lord to worry that his hands were shrinking and that when he reclaimed the One Ring he would have to have it resized.

The subject line on the email read "Fanfiction" and he frowned with the expression he always got when concentrating on stabbing someone. He had recently become aware of fanfiction when he had read an article about the popularity of Twilight and discovered it was not about the uses of shadow in interior design as he had supposed, but was instead some sort of teenage romance with vampires and werewolves. Completely unrealistic versions of vampires and werewolves at that. But this, this link was to a website that hosted an archive of fanfiction, specifically slash fanfiction, and even more specifically a section devoted to stories about the Witch King of Angmar and. . . just about everyone. Here he was torturing and then seducing a terrified Faramir, forcing himself on an initially unwilling Legolas, sharing a tender moment with a surprisingly romantic Sauron, cozening a sweetly innocent Pippin.

He scanned each one with growing horror and anger. How dare these feeble mortals write him as some sort of mad rapist or clingy, angsty marshmallow-headed shmoop! He was a witch KING dammit!

He jumped out of bed and began pacing, gesturing wildly and ranting. “They will pay for this! I will call for my Fell Lamborghini and hunt them down one by one until none are left. Each and every one of them will feel my terrible wrath and despair!”

Firefoot rolled over and turned on the bedside lamp. “Now honey, don’t get all worked up. You know what the witch doctor said about your bloodless pressure. Come back to bed and forget these silly stories. Nobody reads that stuff anyway.”

The Witch King complied with a frustrated sigh. “I suppose you’re right, dear,” he said, turning off his iPad and giving Firefoot a peck on the cheek before falling back into bed.

Firefoot snapped off the light and surreptitiously pushed a notebook under his pillow with the latest chapter of his crossover novel about a young woman torn between her love for a vampire and a royal wraith.
You must login () to review.