The last thing he sees before his eyes close forever is Nelyo's hair. He reaches out one finger to brush it and whispers "Nerdanel," with his last breath.
This. Best last word ever.
Author's Response: Thank you. I think it did all come back to just that, at the end.
I like that you used the much more sympathetic version of Losgar that has been floating around in the fandom, with the boats being burnt because they can't make it again.The only thing that is somehow faulty with this version is the Palantiri: if Fëanor made them, he could have used them to communicate with Fingolfin and tell him why they couldn't send the ship back, or why Fëanor didn't tell Fingolfin about the sorry state of the ships seems he looks like he trusts him a bit there?
Author's Response: Thank you! I do like that Losgar version better. To me it makes sense.
About the Palantiri--I have a headcanon that he didn't take them with him. I think he simply was not in a frame of mind to think of them and if he did it was more along the line of "why would I want to communicate with anyone back in Aman" rather than communicate with each other in Beleriand.
I think they stayed at the locations they were placed in Aman and Nerdanel collected them. Eventually she sent them to Numenor, for Elros, when she heard he was one of the foster sons of her beloved eldest sons. At least that's how I explain it in my head!
35. This time he is the exhausted one, as Nerdanel holds their newest son in her arms; he sits slumped in the chair, barely able to keep his eyes open, arms dangling limply over the armrests. She glows, as she did with Nelyo, and he is grateful to see her look so well, so soon after the birth. "He is going to be just like you," she tells him, with a smile. "I feel it in him, his spirit is so familiar." Her look turns serious and she reaches out a hand to touch his own. "You gave too much of yourself this time, Fëanaro." He smiles, content in knowing his contribution to Curufinwë has kept her safe.
I really like this part, but it's not a surprise since I wrote a small fic with exactly the same subject :) It's always nice to have shared headcanons in the fandom!
39.He chafes at the frustration of having to entertain not only his seven children, but these two extra ones as well.
I think that's the first time I've read this and I really like it. As a teacher and cousin of five young children, I know how exshauting children can be, especially children you do not know well!
Author's Response: Oh I'm glad to share that headcanon about Curufin! Which fic of yours is it?
Thanks for the comment on 39 too--I can see Fëanor loving children in general but being a bit exasperated when he has so many of them running around when he has things to do!
I love this Prologue, Nelya!
You are going to give us more on Feanor making his case to Namo, aren't you? Where that leads and more. I hope so. This has been really enjoyable.
His poor sons. Left to try and fulfill an Oath that cannot be fulfilled. :(
Why is it that we only ever regret our actions when we are faced with death or the prospect of losing something we love?
But in saying that, a lot of Feanor's 'madness' so to speak, was not his fault. He was played by the most powerful Vala and Morgoth laughed all the way to Angband. :/
I hope I made some sense here. If not apologies Nelya.
Thank you for sharing this :)
Author's Response: thanks so much! I'd like to write the next part. A redemption arc so to speak.
Oh! Feanor! Ever the pioneer. Wanting to pick apart everything and discover the hidden mystery within its depths. He is in his element.
It is so very heartbreaking that in his wrath and fury to seek his revenge on Morgoth he only lived for a very short period of time in Endore and as High King. The Oath still unfulfilled. His father's murder unassuaged and the Silmarils unavenged. :(
And as he's dying the last person he thinks of is Nerdanel. Which speaks volumes as to how much he truly loved her. :)
Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and commenting Gabriel! Ever curious ever the scholar. He should never have had to become a warrior. Nerdanel was the one who understood him best. Who chose him. Until it fell apart. But I dint think they ever stopped loving each other.
Okay! Nelya, I'm back!
It really does show you how much Melkor has exploited Feanor's feelings, perspective and insecurities concerning his brothers, when Nerdanel shares her view and council on the subject. Even though he knows he should not to listen to Melkor's insinuations, he can't help but take it in.
And the words Fingolfin utters before their father that Feanor overhears only prove to strengthen his case against him. Its so very sad. Damn Melkor!
The moments standing before the Valar where the brothers embrace with love and forgiveness. Their shared fear as darkness spreads and the loss of their father. It is as if none of what has come before ever existed at all in these briefest of moments.
And then it all descends into chaos. The next drabbles really bring into focus Feanor's extreme polarity of thought.
When he swears the Oath, all his brothers have to do is show a hint of contention and his mood swings into antipathy. The same happens when he's deciding whether to send the ships back for Nolofinwe and his host. Suddenly he is thinking of his half-brothers safety as if he has only ever cared for him.
So very very heartbreaking. :(
Author's Response: Thanks Gabriel! It is heartbreaking. The more I read and think about Fëanor the more I feel empathy for him. He doesn't know how to feel sometimes--there is anger and loss and vulnerability and independance and so much more swirling about. I hold the Valar and Finwë accountable for a fair bit. Melkor played on these feelings and magnified the hurt and distrust. There were so many chances for rapprochement with his brothers.
There's just so much I like in these drabbles, Nelya!
Its like a short version of Feanor's life, without skipping all the good bits. :)
Awww! Feanor being forced to hold Fingolfin again. So cute!
*Why do they keep forcing him to be with this child? Nolofinwe looks up at him with his grey eyes, so like Feanor's own, then he reaches out to grab a lock of Feanor's hair and smiles just for him. It is impossible to keep from smiling back.*
His time spent as Mahtan's apprentice and his views on Nerdanel. How he keeps thinking on how he has never seen anything more lovelier in his life.
This one of my favorites.
*She is tiring. This is his chance. He moves close to her, curving himself around her back. "Let me," he says into her ear, as his hand covers her own on the hammer. His chest touches her back and their hands move together in the rhythm of the forge. His heart is beating faster but it is not from his labors. He feels her lean back into him and his blows slow down until he stops, laying the hammer down. She turns to look at him, tendrils of her sweat-soaked hair plastered to her face. The heat emanating from him as he takes her in his arms does not come from the blazing forge. Her lips are dry but they touch his with an intensity to match his own.*
Now with the desire to have a child, Feanor is fearful that Nerdanel will end up like his mother. I like how you've woven that into this.
This fear is only amplified by Moryo's birth and almost losing Nerdanel and his son. I really love your idea that Curufin is like his father in face, character and skill purely because Feanor gave of his Fea's strength during that pregnancy and birth.
One of my most favorite parts was when Feanor accidentally found his half-brother pouring over scrolls and texts in the library. Looking as Feanor did when he had prepared for his Mastery tests. I don't think Feanor realized just how his rejection and animosity would affect Fingolfin. Fingolfin who adores Feanor and only wants his brother's love. But it was great to see Feanor regretted his actions and ended up carrying on a long conversation with his brother. I love moments such as these. :)
Sorry Nelya. I'm going to have to leave it there for now, as I have a terrible migraine which leaves me unable to see properly for a time, and finish the other drabbles tomorrow. Sorry to leave them half finished like this. :/
Author's Response: Thanks so much Gabriel! I'm so sorry for your migraine--thank you fior even attempting to read this! I hope you feel better now! It was challenging, trying to keep the word count low but convey the scene or emotion I wanted to bring out. As I may have mentioned--he intimidated me as far as a character to explore. But as I really thought about him and his earliest days and influences, I realized I couldn't get a clear picture of who he was and who he became without really thinking about what shaped him--and the loss of his mother was truly a life altering event for him. The cardinal event that initially set him apart from all others. I think his youth was fraught with complexity. Wanting to hate his younger siblings but being thwarted time and again by how amazing and brilliant and engaging they actually were. Nerdanel was his partner/confidant/safe haven. I imagine his love for her was boundless and his fear for her in childbirth near overwhelming.
Oh! Feanor! :(
Wonderful yet heartbreaking peek into his childhood, Nelya, and his relationship with Miriel. I totally agree that it makes more sense for him to have known his mother for a little while, before she went to Lorien. It helps you to understand his motives behind refusing to accept Indis and his subsequent brothers as being any kind of family. But at the same time it makes it all the more sorrowful.
I loved the way you wrote Feanor and Miriel's moments together. He doesn't seem to realize how extremely precious these moments are with her. Well in a sense he does, because he probably doesn't get to spend much time with her normally. But I mean before she's gone. She does however and gives all the love and energy she has left to shower him with attention, marvel at the beautiful child he has become. The child she helped create.
When reality hits him that his Mother is never coming home, we get a little taste of Feanor's fire;
*There are books strewn across the floor, amidst the shards of his mirror and the shattered remnants of the small clay animals he had made for her while she was gone. They litter the floor as he looks for something, anything else that he can shatter, to take away the agony of his heart breaking.*
Oh my gosh! Nelya! I just wanted to gather him up and give him a big hug. This little Feanor is so beautiful and its only natural for him to display this kind of emotion after finding his mother, the 'light of his life' is never coming home. I also believe that one of the reasons he probably shattered the clay animals he made for her is because he is beginning to blame himself for her sickly health and subsequent rest in Lorien.
I just had a thought. What if Miriel had have survived, somehow had treatment and lived on. What sort of man would Feanor have become. Without all the sorrow, the fear, the blame, antipathy toward his father and Indis' union and everything after that, that came with her death.
Fingolfin would not have existed. :( I wonder what a world without Fingolfin would have been like. No Fingon, or Finrod or any of the others. No great friendship/relationship between Maedhros and Fingon. The consequences would be far reaching, don't you think?
Anyway I'm babbling on now, better stop before I get too carried away. Lol
Just wanted to say that this chapter of little drabbles was exactly how I see Feanor as a child. You really did him justice. Lovely! :)
Author's Response: I'm so glad you are reading this and so appreciate the comments Gabriel! Thinking of him as a child made him more approachable as a character for me. Even with the clarity of Elven memory I see it being even more devastating to him if he had a few years with her, before she was gone. And I imagine it made the self blame even worse--that she tried to hang on for him too. I sympathize with her also--she didn't do this to him out of cruelty or indifference. I think she poured herself into this child and his spirit was so powerful, all-encompassing and it left her hollowed out. I've gone back and forth on if it is most akin to post partum depression (and I think in some ways it has many parallels) and in other ways I think of it almost as an Elven form of cancer but of the soul, not the body. Her body was outwardly intact but there is a soul crushing element to it--a malaise that was insurmountable. Her fëa was diminished to such an extent by it that it weakened her physically eventually. You see the initial flashes of great emotion here that he also shows later in life. Like Miriel he feels things very deeply.