Excellent story, so far. You should put the names of American cities and words like "jeep" or "Kung-fu" in italics, as they would have no equivalents in Westron or Sindarin.
Oh yes, Karlmir, thanks for reminding me. You see, it was just recently that I remembered how to use the '<i>' signs for italitcs, and I haven't gone back and fixed them all yet. :) Thnx for reviewing and have a great day.
Ooh! This is an exciting story, thus far, with a lot of potential. Don't worry if you can't get the proper feel and flow of it in the beginning. It usually takes new writers a while to hit their stride. Sometimes it also helps to have a beta reader go over your manuscript before you post a new chapter. About what time in Middle Earth history is your story taking place?
Thanks so much for your review Karlmir, and so glad you’re back in the game! My story begins about half-way through the Fellowship of the Ring, and I’m thinking will end at Estel’s death. This will follow the fellowship through the war of the ring, so be warned, but you see, I’ve read so many utterly terrible tenth walkers, it’s my ambition to create one that is…well, let’s say palatable!
No, I haven’t hit my stride, and I haven’t fully fleshed out these characters as yet. I did however, revise chapter four a little bit, so sorry in advance for missing some of that! You know, fanfiction is very different, and in a strange way, much harder than writing from scratch. You have to create an original perspective on a story that’s already been told, yet honor its sacredness at the same time. I’m also used to having weeks to revise and read over material, which just doesn’t work doing this. So bear with me.
Anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing. I love constructive criticism, especially when I’m crossing through strange waters. Have a great day!
I like the view we get of the elves from Laine's pov - and it is full of action and exciting. I usually loathe tenth walker/MS but this is working for me!! :)
I know what you mean about when a chapter doesn't quite work- I think it might be that a proof read after a little while so you can see it more objectively. I find that once my beta has read it and I get it back after a week, I can see things more objectively. Hope that helps.
Author's Response: Yes, I agree that most tenth walker stories are practically undreadable. However, I've read a few that are not Mary Sues. At least in my opinion, a Mary Sue is an unbelievably flawless character who steals lines, wins the undying affection of all the most important cast in the first chapter, and butchers cannon. It's my attempt to make a Tenth Walker without crossing that line. Let me tell you though...it's hard, lol. Thanks for your review, ziggy. By the way, I've read some of your work, and I love it: very real, very well written!
I adored your dialogue in this, and your paragraph breaks are very effective. There's an easy humor between the two characters here--like you have been writing them for a long time, instead of this being your first fanfiction!--and it was lovely to read. I am generally resistant to reading 10th walker stories, but your writing in this won me over, and I am eager to see what will happen.
Also, great last sentence. And I liked the outside perspective on Elrond in the brief comments we got in dialogue here. :)
Only piece of feedback: look in future chapters at your adjectives--if you've used one word in particular a couple of times, or in a similar manner, consider diversifying your word choice. What can you say besides 'spattered,' 'speckled,'for example? Check for phrases that you intend to mean one way, but that might come across differently based on general intrepretations of phrases 'Spitting up behind,' for example. maybe it is only because I spend a lot of time around kids--or maybe it is cultural (I speak US English)--but I definitely started thinking about spit-up instead of the absolutely gorgeous scene you were previously painting!
^I only point this out because your writing is so strong and lovely, and that's the only thing that really slowed me down or pulled me out of it at all!
Thanks for writing and posting!
Author's Response: Unnamed Element, whomever you may be, you are a gift to fanfiction authors. I speak US English too, born and raised, and I can see where some phrases can cause confusion to a reader. I try to keep these down, but it's hard to prevent using 'coined' phrases, while keeping them clear at the same time. Like I said to the first reviewer, I apologize for any odd moments or awkward spots. You see, I'm used to having lots of time, sometimes months, to write ahead and then reread and edit my work. I think of this as wonderful practice for publishing real works, so criticize all you like. I appreciate it! :)
This was an exiting start for a story, i liked the end of this chapter in special, the drama and the way you describe the situation, and it is always a smart move to start with present time and then move back, it does create a sense of suspense. Very well written, i am looking forward to an update :)
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your generous review, Nuredhel! I apologize for any odd moments or awkward spots. You see, I'm used to having lots of time, months even, to write ahead and then reread and edit my work. Feel free to be my critic though, it's appreciated! ;)