Wonderful!!! ( I know all my reviews start like this- sorry. Unoriginal) but I love this- sepcially:
Thingol was rather taken by the necklace, even though he knew damn well it wasn't really his.
"Ooh sparkly!" He said. "I know just what this necklace needs. A Silmaril. I will put the Silmaril, which isn't really mine to have, into this necklace, which isn't mine to have either."
Of course Thingol, of course that's going to work out well.
Then he topped off the worlds worst idea by getting some dwarves to do the dirty deed for him.
If there is anyone who likes shiny things more than elves, maybe even more than the Valar, it is dwarves.
Sure they are going to be able to do this for you Thingol and walk away. Of course they won't want to keep it all for themselves.
Trust them, trust them with the two most shiny of all shiny things in your kingdom.
That makes perfect sense.......
Yes- dwarves like shiny things. ANd I love how trite you make Thingol- he was not very helpful in the Wr against Morgoth, was he. But I love Melian telling Huron off and his wondering if his parnetling decisions had been perhaps not the greatest. He should have a trophy- the Worst Dad except Feanor.
Next one soon please.
Author's Response: Thingol just rubs me up the wrong way. Dont know what it is, I didn't like him from the moment he wandered off into that forest to be enchanted by Melian. Could he possibly have been LESS helpful in the war against Morgoth???? Melian, while pretty bad ass in this chapter destroys all her good work in the next. I wont say any more! Have just had a writing binge on this so I have a few chapters up my sleeve now.
Poor old Thingol.
Having just had a party to celebrate the disappearance of the last of this incredibly annoying human family, he is blessed with the appearance of the worst of them.
Wonderfully dry. I just love htis. You've actually made me want to go back and read about the Men...almost.;)
Hurin proceeds to call him on every single error of judgement he has made in the past several years, ( maybe he picked up some dragon counselling skills while at Morgoth's place?)
Gotta love those dragon-counselling courses!
Author's Response: And Thingol just stands there and takes it! What is it with these humans that the elves just can't tell them where to go? ..........I mean, what does it take?? It is seriously very odd! They keep lining up to be destroyed by them. It is like they are just fascinated by the total disaster of it all.
I htink this is on eof your BEST chapter- I started chuckling at this:
Morgoth has finally set him free telling him it is because he is a caring and magnanimous kind of chap who just wants everybody to be happy.
In actual fact it is because Turin is dead and he has no one to amuse himself with watching as they stumble round turning everything into disaster. He thinks Hurin might be really good at that.
He is right.
THIS IS SOOOO FUNNY!!!!!
Turgon: Well if you are Manwë's eagle how about you bring me some useful news, like how is Finrod getting on in the undying lands? Oh and how about investing in a more efficient timepiece so you can actually turn up on time for once.
Thorondor got the huff with this and went off in a sulk with Turgon shouting after him.
"My heart is shut, I tell you, shut. Hurin can go jump. Come back when you have found Finrod and not before!"
However he calmed down once the annoying eagle had departed. He had had issues with Thorondor ever since he had arrived with his Dad Fingolfin's dead body boasting about how he was just a second too late to do anything about his death.
"I bought you your Dad, Turgon. Damn shame I slept in and didn't actually get there in time."
I have been giggling like a maniac about it ever since I read it. Just hilariously brilliant!
And the end- with him shouting Turgon is here - really finished me off
Thsi si so good CB- it should be published:) xxx
Author's Response: Thank you!! You have no idea how disappointed I was when I finally got to the end of Turin.....turned the page and found Hurin waiting for me.........more depressing men. I couldn't believe it. Poor old Turgon. What was that eagle thinking when he flew dead Fingolfin all the way there? Rubbing it in that Turgon hadn't even bothered to show up to the battle??? I mean why not just take him to Fingon just down the road? I think Thorondor had it in for Turgon all along!
Gaah! I've already mentioned my difficulty with all the 'fins' and now we've got the 'urins'! Turin, Hurin, Durin. Okay, maybe only three, but still annoying. I think Tolkien is taking the urin...
Author's Response: Tolkien had major problems with names didn't he. Once he found one he could never let go of it. I suppose it saved him constantly thinking up new ones....just recycle the old ones. Then when he couldn't be bothered even changing one letter he just used the exact same name for a completely different character..........I am looking at you Legolas of Gondolin!
Haha, you really don't like Turin, do you!? :-P
Author's Response: He really annoys me! Cant understand why the Elves are so gullible when it comes to Turin. So glad he is gone!
Hurrah! Such a relief that Turin is finally out of the picture. What a pillock! It's nice to know that Beleg's sword finally did the decent thing and take the one life we've all been clamouring for for so long. I still can't understand why Tolkien had Beleg die and Turin live. If it had been the other way round Middle-earth would have been a much better place.
Author's Response: You have no idea how pleased I am to see the back of Turin. Writing about him has been torture! So glad he is gone. Someone needs to give that sword a medal! Thanks for the review!
Okay, I had to come back to finish this. omg, you're brilliant! I had a whole bunch of really laugh out loud moments such as this:
"We never get to find out which because Mim ends up getting scared off by a sorely wounded Beleg and flees, wailing from the hill top. The worlds most embarrassing exit from a story..........wailing....."
“Now you would have thought the elves, when a man came along calling himself "The Bloodstained Son Of Ill Fate" might have said to themselves,
"Maybe this is not the kind of guy we want hanging out here at Nargothrond?"”
And Morgoth watching the Turin show on the tele and Glaurung as psychotherapist -- well totally hysterical.
Thank you for the laughs! I shall look for more. I gave you a rec on my LJ (elfscribe5). Oh and btw, I agree that Beleg is awesome -- that whole story of Turin killing him . . . so not on.
Author's Response: The Elves, for apparently intelligent beings are actually quite stupid at times. What would you or I do if faced with a guy at our door calling himself bloodstained son of ill fate? Lock the door to keep him out! What do the elves do? Say " Oh nice name, come on in! " and it's not like they hadn't had previous experience with Men....not looking at anyone in particular.....Beren.... Thanks for all the reviews. So pleased you liked it! And thanks for the rec... As you can see I still have a little way to go till I finish this!!
True all true. Luthien was a princess, but I forgive her since she's one of the few women in Tolkien's legendarium who actually kicks ass (as opposed to merely producing a male heir). "weird barefoot dancing obsession" I'm getting such a kick out of this.
And LOL at Thingol's silly plan. Although from his pov, I expect he thought it was the perfect way to rid himself of that Unacceptable Boyfriend. Maybe he should have locked Daeron in with her.
You are filling me with hilarious plot bunnies!
I'm afraid Real Life calls -- I've been derelict already-- so gotta run. Thanks for brightening my morning. And you should post this on the Silmarillion Writers Guild. Lots of folks there would LOVE it. Cheers!
Author's Response: Luthien drove me mad. Just couldn't warm to her. She thought she was all that. And even she didn't get a storyline of her own. Tolkien had to make it all about Beren. I only joined the Silmarillion Writers Guild last week and that was only so I could review someone else's story. I am a bit intimidated about posting there. I will think about it tho!
"He's dead, Thorondor. He's dead. Where were you when he actually could have benefited from you being there?
I don't get why the Elves aren't completely pissed off at the Eagles by now.
I just don't get it."
Eagles. The deus ex machina of Middle-earth. Good thing they weren't late with Frodo and Sam, although they could've used a lift, um, a lot earlier.
Author's Response: I have decided the eagles are all show. They swoop in in a blaze of glory.....always a minute too late.Sometimes I wonder if they actually work for the other side!
Poor Finrod and his fear of Camping.
"Because Orcs are so well known for their close harmonies, pausing in the middle of random slaughter of innocents to sing excerpts of the Hallelujah Chorus." LOL
And the harp fetish. You bring up another important point. Hypothesis: Middle-earth must have a Magic Musical Instrument Cloaking Device that makes instruments invisible and highly portable until needed. Remember how well the dwarves employed that one when they visited Bilbo for the first time. (I mean a drum, 2 bass viols and a golden harp mysteriously appeared and then disappeared.)
Author's Response: OMG hadn't thought of that but you are so right! Where did those musical instruments go? Unless they were Bilbo's all along. Perhaps he had a cupboard full just in case visitors felt the need to burst into song!
Gondolin = Hotel California. YES!! (Now I have an earworm) And right the Kinslayers thing -- you bring up many good points.
Author's Response: I am sorry! Because earworms are a total pain. A bit of snobbery at work here. Eol was a peasant elf and the Gondolin elves were upper class. Obviously when someone said you shouldn't kill your kin they didn't mean the peasants!
"Let's face it, Eöl was a Goth." Definitely!
"(Because seriously, who out there with Teenagers hasn't wished they could do that....just once!)" *raises hand* Me. Me!
I'm enjoying the hell out of this story -- all of it, even if I'm not commenting on every chapter!
Author's Response: I feel sorry for poor misunderstood Eol. Aredhel must have been a nightmare to live with and Maeglin was a sulky, ungrateful, pain in the butt. I bet Eol wished he had remained a bachelor.I too have wished I could chain a teenager up!
"If you want to draw attention to yourself Fëanor, lighting a massive bonfire is the way to do it." No Sh*t
"I am Fëanor" Oh god, nearly choked on my Cheerios with that one.
Author's Response: Poor Mandos, all those years sitting in an empty hall with only Miriel for company. The kinslaying must have been a logistical nightmare for him. I think Feanor was probably put in solitary confinement......for his own good!
"Why Eru why? Did you miss that off your "what to put in the newly created world" list? "
I know, right? The whole business with the elves and everything else living only on starlight. How did anything grow? Oh, right, this was before science was invented.
Author's Response: I really couldn't believe it when I read the Silm for the first time and got to this bit!! All this time and they were living in the dark! Crazy!!!
"possibly one of the worst parenting decisions ever" Yes, yes. I am so enjoying this!
Author's Response: Yip. Big fail for Feanor here, "oh I seem to have stuffed everything up and now I am dying ....what should I do? I know I will ensure my sons suffer exactly the same fate,(or worse), as me!" Why, Feanor, Why????
LMAO!!! Yes, This. Is. It. "they had a giant evil spider living down the road and didn't even know it! How could they not know this?" I actually did burst out laughing with this. Seriously the Valar suck when it comes to Doing the Right Thing at the Right Time. Maybe they are so busy in choir practice that they're not paying attention most of the time.
Author's Response: As I said, most useless set of Gods ever! If they didn't even know what was going down in their own land how were they going to sort out the mess in Arda?!
Problem Child. Yep! But I think it's interesting that the problem children of the Silm -- Feanor, Melkor, Sauron, Turin, the list goes on are really the movers and shakers of the action. Everyone else is like, whoa shit, what'll we do about that a**hole?
I think you succeeded in making Feanor funny. :-D
Author's Response: It is hard to make Feanor funny. He REALLY doesn't appreciate being mocked. I felt his disapproval the whole time! You are right about problem children....I would add Maeglin to your list.
You are totally on with the Fins. (Who the hell can keep these all straight? I had some hope of remembering all the Sindarin Fins -- then discovered I had to learn all the Quenya Fins . . . and ahh, runs off waving arms in the air.)
Author's Response: I know! The Quenya fins, I didn't even try going there, it would have added so many others, Curufinw
Oh man, I am TOTALLY enjoying this. You're spot on actually and it's just so funny. (The Avari had a door to door salesman not welcome sign.)s LOL
Author's Response: The Avari were the only ones with any sense. Shame the Noldor eventually came back to disturb the Avari's peace and quiet!
Oh, this is great! Seriously yes, you've nailed it! I started quoting out my favorite bits and realized it was going to have to be the whole thing. "Meddling in things when they really should leave well enough alone
Not meddling in things when it was obvious they really really should!" No shit. And your run-down on the major Valar -- just LOL.
Author's Response: OMG. So many reviews! How exciting to wake up to!! Glad you like it. As for the Valar, A total waste of space. I have never met a more useless set of Gods.
And so finally Turin ends the misery- love all the observations about Glaurung and his abilty to do so much in the last few moments of his life, I actually think he should have set himself up in biz- there are just so many of Tolkien's characters who need his sort of therapy. Love your dry observations, CB!
Author's Response: You have no idea how glad I am to see the end of Turin! Boy I did not enjoy him one little bit. It was such a struggle to write him. Things are looking up now he is out of the way.....well looking up for me, not the elves
oh- you do make me laugh!!
Sadly for Turin by the time he got home, ( it was quite a long way and rather cold) his Mother was nowhere to be seen. He was rather upset by this as it had been a long trip and he obviously had rather a lot of laundry that needed doing so he stumbled into the house of a random Easterling called Brodda, held a sword to his throat and demanded information....as you do.
And I love the mentions of Turnin's various cheerful names, the dragon psychotherapy and yes- you are sooooo right!! About everyhting. I can never read the Silm again.
Author's Response: This chapter and the next were so hard to write. I struggled badly and they don't feel as funny as what I have written previously. So I am pleased to hear I still managed to make you laugh. You have no idea how glad I was to see the end of Turin!
I have to say, I was always amazed that a good Catholic like Tolkien wrote this stuff...casual murder, incest...
Author's Response: I know. When you really look at it its quite dodgy. The incest stuff especially. ....considering the time he wrote it. You don't want to think to hard about the elves hook ups either. Some of them are a bit odd to say the least.
I needed to hide from the research I'm doing so I came back here and read it out loud this time. And laughed like a drain. Thank you, I feel much better now.
Author's Response: My pleasure, glad I could be of assistance! Actually I think could write these early chapters a lot better now. Maybe one day I will go back and improve on them. Good luck with the research!
Morgoth, at home tucked up watching The Turin Show with his henchmen on his long range radar must have thought all his xmas's had come at once.
*snorts* I love the idea of Morgoth with a TV set! And dragons as psychotherapists...maybe if Thorin had just sat down and had a nice chat with Smaug about their issues, things would have turned out so much better at the end of The Hobbit!
So happy to see updates :D you're making me feel so slow by comparison! Off to read the new story now, very excited.
Author's Response: Glad you enjoyed it. Poor Morgoth, his Turin show is about to be cancelled! What ever will he do then??